


That's Cool

by watyonameisgurl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Drabble, Kid Fic, M/M, incorrect 1d quotes, suburban moms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 05:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11685471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watyonameisgurl/pseuds/watyonameisgurl
Summary: Everything was fine until they started going to the local playground. Now Liam’s worried they might be screwing up their kids.Zayn really hates suburban moms.(Alternatively: Zayn and Liam have just moved into the neighborhood and take their kids to the local playground where they meet snobby suburban mom Perrie)





	That's Cool

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by/based on [this](https://yaz-the-spaz.tumblr.com/post/161630555228/perrie-all-of-our-snacks-are-organic-zayn) convo posted by incorrect-1d-quotes on tumblr.
> 
> Enjoy! :)

Zayn’s sat on a bench off to the side of the playground while Liam stands a little ways off from the jungle gym where the kids are playing. He watches the two of them clamber over the slides and each other, sliding down and then racing each other back up again. There’s some good-natured shoving, but nothing too serious so he doesn’t feel the need to intervene just yet.

“Hi, there!” someone calls from behind him. He turns to find a woman making her way over to him, dyed blonde hair and a preppy looking outfit, white button down shirt tucked into her freshly pressed khakis. “Don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. Do you live in the area?”

“Oh, um, yeah, we’re kind of…new to the neighborhood. I’m Liam.” Liam sticks his hand out for a handshake, which the woman returns rather enthusiastically.

“Oh, that’s lovely! Well, welcome to the neighborhood, Liam! I’m Perrie.”

Liam nods, smiles. “Good to meet you, Perrie.”

“And you as well!” Perry says, flashing a bright smile. “So, how are you liking it here so far?”

“It’s good.” Liam nods. “I mean, we’re still trying to get settled and everything, you know, but the kids seem to like it alright so far.”

“Yeah, it really is a great neighborhood for kids, isn’t it? Which ones are yours?”

“Oh, they’re um…the two messing about on the slides just there, Laila and Samir.” He points, smiling.

Perrie lays a hand over her chest. “Oh, well aren’t they just the cutest things! So lovely!”

“Don’t let them hear you say that,” Liam jokes, “they’re already too cute for their own good and they know how to use it to their advantage.”

Perrie laughs, a bright, high tinkling sound that matches her smile. “They can be _so_ precocious sometimes, can’t they?”

Liam laughs. “Exactly, and then the minute they want something they go right back to being little angels.”

“It’s _so_ true, isn’t it?” Perrie says, laughing again. “They really are precious though. You’re a lucky man, Liam. Speaking of, is your wife here with you by chance? I’d love to meet her as well.”

“Husband, actually,” Liam corrects, pointing over his shoulder to where Zayn’s sitting. “He’s just over there, on the bench.”

“Oh, how lovely!” She looks like she’s about to say something else but then a little girl in a bright pink dress runs up to her, arms stretched wide and crying.

“Mummy!” she wails miserably.

“Oh, love, what happened?” Perrie says, crouching down so they’re eye level and wrapping her arms around the girl.

Liam turns his attention back to his own kids who’ve moved on from the slide to a little bridge-ladder-type thing a few feet away. Zayn’s at his side hardly a moment later, brows pinched together in a mix of what looks like concern and annoyance.

“Who was that?” he says, voice low as he jerks his chin in the direction of Perrie who’s still trying to console her daughter.

“Oh, her name’s Perrie. She lives in the neighborhood.”

“What did she want?” he says, keeping his voice low.

Liam shakes his head. “Nothing. She was just welcoming us to the neighborhood, that’s all.”

“She wasn’t welcoming us to the neighborhood, she was scoping out her prey.”

“What?” Liam huffs out a laugh as he turns to Zayn in amused surprise. “What are you talking about? She’s nice!”

“She’s a _suburban mum_. There’s no such thing as nice with them, they’re vultures.”

Zayn leads him discreetly a few feet away, making it look like they’re just casually strolling by the edge of the playground until they’re far enough away that they’re out of Perrie’s earshot and can talk normally again. “Look, I know she may seem nice, but it’s just a front. That’s how suburban mums are. The second they feel like they’re starting to get to know you is when the judgy looks and back-handed compliments start and, trust me, it won’t take long. The best thing to do is just avoid them. Don’t talk to them, don’t try to make friends with them, and most of all don’t show your fear cause they can smell that shit a mile away and they’ll pounce.”

Liam just stares at him in confusion. “Wait, _what_? What are you even on about? And since when are you the expert on suburban mums?”

“Since I spent nearly a month and a half with them breathing down my neck,” Zayn says a little sullenly. “Remember that time a couple years back when you were trying to get the kids into that posh football club?”

Liam nods, still slightly confused.

Zayn scratches at the back of his head a little anxiously. “Well…while you were busy talking stats and making friends with that coach, Louis what’s-his-face, I was stuck on the bleachers with the mums and they were fucking _evil_. I mean, like, comic book level proportions evil. Like over-the-top petty shit for just no reason. They seemed nice at first too when I met them but they switched up completely within, like 2.5 seconds of me knowing them. Started getting all judgy about every little thing, like where we lived, how we were raising our kids, what we wore, what our _kids_ wore, how cheap our car was, the fact that we were a—and I quote—“unique and unconventional” family. You have no idea how happy I was when the kids decided they liked their old, regular football club better.”

“ _Christ_ , you never told me any of that,” Liam says, pouting a little and taking Zayn’s hand in his.

Zayn shrugs, looks at the ground briefly. “Yeah, well, you were so excited about it I didn’t want to bring you down, and then once the kids made their decision there just didn’t seem to really be any point in bringing it up so I just kind of moved on. But I guarantee you, babe, Perrie’s not looking to make friends, she’s out for blood.”

Liam sighs, runs his free hand through his hair. “I mean, I get your reservations, but…it’s a bit like the pot and kettle, isn’t it? You judging Perrie for being judgy. Just because the suburban mums you met were horrible doesn’t mean _she_ has to be, you know? And I don’t think we should judge her before we get to know her. For all we know she could be different. Or it might’ve even just been that neighborhood. Maybe the people here are nicer.”

Zayn raises an eyebrow. “What did she say when you told her you were married to another man?”

Liam smiles, visibly brightening. “She was really nice about it actually. She said it was lovely.”

“ _Lovely_?” Zayn repeats incredulously. “Babe, that’s like suburban-mum code for ‘ew.’”

Liam’s brows scrunch up in confusion again.

Zayn sighs. “You know how in _Mean Girls_ when Regina tells someone she thinks something’s cute she really means it’s the most hideous thing she’s ever seen? It’s like that, but way more spiteful and cruel cause it’s never just about something as small as your clothes or your hair, it’s always about shit that really means something to you. It gets in your head, messes with you to the point where you start second-guessing every little thing you do and you don’t even realize it’s happening until _after_ it’s happened. It’s _toxic_.”

Liam glances over at Perrie who’s hugging her daughter and pressing kisses into her cheek before turning back to Zayn. “I don’t know, I mean, she could still be different. I think we should at least give her a chance, you know?”

Zayn squints at Perrie and shakes his head. “I’m good, thanks. If you want to try though, I won’t stop you. Just remember I warned you.”

Liam nods, going back over to chat with Perrie once her daughter’s in good spirits and has gone back over to the playground. Zayn sits on the bench and eyes them every once in a while from afar while he watches their kids play.

After a little while Zayn finally decides to come back over and join Liam. He claims he just wants to see for himself what Perrie is like but Liam thinks he might be secretly considering giving her a chance after all, now that he’s seen how well her and Liam seem to be getting along.

As far as Liam can tell she seems nice enough, no hints of snobbery yet, although Zayn is clearly still skeptical.

“Pearl! Pearl, sweetie, don’t play in the dirt, you’ll mess up your dress!” Perrie calls from beside them.

Zayn whips out his phone, signaling for Liam to do the same as he discreetly texts, _pearl??? who names their kid pearl??? what is this 1922? also this is a playground, kids literally come here to get dirty wtf does she expect?_

 _be nice_ , Liam replies.

_this IS me being nice._

Liam gives him a look.

 _fine. but she’s not making it easy_.

Zayn rolls his eyes but he pockets his phone and Liam does the same.

“Papa, Daddy, look!” Laila calls from in front of the monkey bars as she jumps straight to the third bar, swings herself up and hangs upside down by her knees. Samir’s standing below her laughing and he launches himself up from the ground to the rung a couple ones ahead of her and mirrors her movements until he’s hanging upside down too.

“Still think we don’t need to enroll them in gymnastics?” Liam says, grinning at Zayn with one eyebrow raised.

“Sorry, can’t hear you, I’m too busy trying to figure out how we ended up with two professional gymnasts-slash-football stars for children.”

Liam laughs. “Well, I’m pretty sure it didn’t come from either of our sides of the gene pool. And considering they _both_ have it…surrogate maybe?”

“Maybe. Or we’re just that lucky.”

“Also possible,” Liam says nodding, hand on his chin in mock-serious contemplation.

The kids come running up to them then, practically bouncing on their toes in excitement.

“Did you see us? Did you see us?” Laila says, beaming.

“We sure did!” Liam says, eyes crinkling up in a smile.

“Yeah, you guys were amazing! Where’d you learn how to do that?”

Both of them shrug, bashful little smiles tucked into their shoulders.

“Come here, you adorable little things, you,” Liam says, pulling them both into his sides while Zayn reaches out to poke them both in the cheeks, right in their dimples.

“Stop it, Papa!” Laila giggles, trying to turn her face away.

“I _can’t_ stop it because you two are too cute!”

“I’m not cute, I’m _handsome_ ,” Samir argues. “Cute is for babies and little girls.”

“Cute is for everyone,” Zayn answers punctuating his point with more pokes to Samir’s cheeks, “and I will call you cute until you’re 92.”

“What about when I’m 93?” Samir counters, trying to bat Zayn’s hands away.

“I’ll still call you cute.”

Samir huffs, puffing out his cheeks and Liam laughs, ruffling his hair.

“Daddy, can we have a snack?” Laila says. “I’m hungry.”

“I’ll bet you are after all that gymnastics,” Liam jokes, letting go of them to reach for Zayn’s backpack, which he shrugs off his shoulders to hand to Liam.

“Let’s see what Papa’s got in here…M&M’s, crisps, cheese puffs, Oreos, and…chocolate bars. Which one do you want?”

“I want the M&M’s!” Laila says, eyes wide.

“A lovely choice, m’lady,” Liam replies, holding out the packet of candy like it’s a piece of jewelry on display before he passes it to her. “And for the gentleman?”

“Cheese puffs!” Samir shouts, grinning from ear and ear and bouncing on his toes again. Zayn laughs as Samir makes grabby hands at the packet while Liam opens it for him.

They stand in place while they eat about half of their respective packets. Then when Laila hands hers back, fingers sticky with melted chocolate that she wipes on her pants, Samir licks his own cheese dust-covered fingers clean and hands his back too and they go right back to the monkey bars. Liam rolls up the half-empty packets and tucks them back in the backpack, zipping it up as Zayn re-shoulders it.

“Pearl, honey,” Perrie calls from beside them a moment later, “are you hungry? Do you want a snack?”

Pearl nods, hopping down from the little rocking horse she’s on and skipping over. Perrie goes to pick up a large powder blue leather tote bag from a bench full of purses where another woman sits, presumably keeping guard over them all, and takes out what at first glace looks like a packet of bread. Pearl waits at the edge of the playground as Perrie comes back over, unwrapping the packet and taking out a brown lumpy _thing,_ which she hands to Pearl.

It takes Zayn a moment to realize what it is and, brow raised, he turns to Liam - who has a similar look of bewilderment on his face - and mouths, _Rice cake_? _Seriously_?

Liam raises his own brows and inclines his head in a look that reads, _Don’t judge, remember?_

Zayn rolls his eyes and blows a breath out through his nose but he relents. Not his kid, not his concern.

“Do you want another, love?” Perrie says once Pearl’s finished and Pearl shakes her head, running back to the bouncy horse. Zayn doesn’t blame her.

“All our snacks are organic,” Perrie says as she reties the packet, condescending smile in place, and it takes Zayn a second to realize she’s addressing _them_.

“That’s cool,” Zayn says, not even bothering to turn to look at her and not caring that it comes out sounding bored and dismissive because he _really_ doesn’t give any fucks about what she has to say. His only sympathies are with the kid who’s probably never had a decent-tasting meal in her entire life.

“Our kids eat candy off the floor,” Liam blurts and Perrie crinkles her brow at him. He doesn’t even know why he says it. He’d felt compelled to respond to make up for Zayn’s apathetic and frankly rude behavior, but sometimes his mouth moves faster than his brain and before he can catch himself he ends up just blurting out the first thing that comes into his head. Like now.

Zayn gives him a look like _Really, Liam?_

But it’s out now and he can’t take it back so he just shrugs at Zayn apologetically and pretends to watch the kids hopping across the little pegs next to the bouncy horses while having a small internal panic.

What if they _are_ messing up their kids? What if they get some kind of horrible infection from accidentally eating something off the floor? And God only knows what’s in all the processed foods they give them, what if they grow up to get diagnosed with some random, rare disease that only kids who eat a bunch of processed foods get? Or what if they get addicted to sweets and then when they can’t get sweets they turn to drugs? Or worse, what if they get _cancer_? They could be killing their kids and not even know it and it’d be _all_ their fault.

Liam’s phone suddenly buzzes in his pocket, snapping him out of his thoughts and he fishes it out to find a text from Zayn.

_I can literally hear you thinking and you need to stop_

_are we bad parents?_

_NO. jesus, don’t let her get in your head_

_but what if we’re messing them up?_

_we are NOT messing them up okay? they’re fine. they’re beautiful and happy and healthy and they’re ours. that’s all that matters. she can do whatever the fuck she wants with her kids but she can’t tell us how to raise ours._

_im just worried tht were doing it wrong_

_pretty sure that’s normal babe :) x besides eating off the floor builds character…and immunity or whatever…our kids’ll be the ones that never get sick while hers end up with 15 million allergies_

Liam tries and fails to suppress a giggle but it doesn’t really matter because Perrie’s back by the bench full of purses putting up Pearl’s “snack” with the rest of her things, too far away to hear.

Liam turns back to the playground, his gaze falling on Pearl, looking sad and dejected as she rocks back and forth on her horse, and then over to their kids, bright and happy and laughing as they swing back and forth on the monkey bars.

“They’re _good_ , babe,” Zayn says as he scoots in close to Liam and wraps an arm around his waist.

“Yeah...yeah, they are, aren’t they?” Liam says, sighing and resting his head against Zayn’s as they watch their kids play.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos = LOVE and feed my (dark) soul! :)


End file.
